


“O let not Time deceive you, You cannot conquer Time.”

by nightdrvke



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Friendship, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, POV Steve Rogers, Sad, Summer Vacation, a bit of Tony/Strange, again im really sorry, also im really bad at tagging, bye, everyone's a good friend really, im sorry, oh and there's also Natasha/Bucky but i didn't feel like tagging them for some reason, thats all - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-18 08:48:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21991450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightdrvke/pseuds/nightdrvke
Summary: Being in a group of friends where everyone is really close to the others could be fun, Steve really couldn’t deny that, but it could also be really annoying, especially if everyone in the group happened to find out about your crush before you even had the chance to tell your crush about your feelings.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 14
Kudos: 61





	“O let not Time deceive you, You cannot conquer Time.”

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!  
> so, i wrote this for user excelsiorboi on twitter, who happened to be my giftee for the stevetony secret santa and, if ur reading this, i know u wanted high school stevetony and i want u to know that i've tried!! like so hard!!! and this was the best i could do.  
> i really enjoyed writing this and i have to thank user doritostark for patiently reading all the stuff i sent her way and actually hyping this work up so much, so thank u!! really!!!
> 
> oh, and the title is from a poem by W.H. Auden:  
> “O let not Time deceive you,  
> You cannot conquer Time.  
> In the burrows of the Nightmare  
> Where Justice naked is,  
> Time watches from the shadow  
> And coughs when you would kiss.”

Being in a group of friends where everyone is really close to the others could be fun, Steve really couldn’t deny that, but it could also be really annoying, especially if everyone in the group happened to find out about your crush before you even had the chance to tell your crush about your feelings. And yes, Steve was sure he could have hidden his feelings a little better, maybe by trying not to sit right next to Tony every day at lunch, or maybe simply by acting with everyone else the same way he acted with Tony? But, let’s be real, Steve knew he had always had a soft spot for Tony Stark, and there was nothing he could have actually done to change that. And, to be honest, his little crush wasn’t even that big of a deal for him. Steve knew he had a thing for Tony, he had known since first year, probably, but was too insecure to actually act on it, and being just friends with Tony was more than he could have ever asked for. The problem came when Natasha told him she actually knew all about his feelings for their mutual friend, and Steve of course had tried to deny it, but Natasha had simply kept on smiling, and Steve had ended up admitting she was right, as usual. He made her promise she wouldn’t tell a thing, and she did, but just as he thought he was out of trouble, Bucky had joined the conversation, casually asking Natasha if they were talking about “Steve’s embarrassing crush on Tony”, and wasn’t that just perfect? His two best friends, who happened to also be really good friends with the guy he liked, knew his little secret, and when more than one person knows a secret… can you even really call it a secret still? Steve didn’t really know, but he was about to find out, because, later on, it turned out Clint also knew about his crush, and was actually really surprised that Tony, being the genius that he was supposed to be, hadn’t found out yet. “Awesome, now you’ll tell me Janet and Carol know too!” he had exclaimed, now starting to grow a little exasperated by the whole situation. “Yeah, who do you think told me?” came Clint’s reply, and Steve almost screamed, putting his hands in his hair and storming off, with the only goal in mind to avoid Tony and the rest of the group for all eternity. Was it possible that he had actually been so obvious and Tony so oblivious? Or maybe Tony had known all along but didn’t want to ruin their friendship by telling Steve he wasn’t interested? Yeah, that was more likely. Steve couldn’t help but sigh loudly, going back into class and trying not to think about the idea of Tony rejecting him and ending their friendship. The thing was, Steve would have accepted even that, he was so into Tony that he would have done whatever the boy was going to ask him, just to please him. Yes, even if that meant never talking to him again. ‘A small crush, uh?’ would have joked Natasha, hearing his line of thought, ‘Sounds more like you’re in love with the guy’ would have added Bucky, since the two of them loved to complete each other’s sentences. And really, wasn’t that the kind of relationship Steve had always wanted to have with Tony? He could picture it, he had spent almost four years picturing it in his head. Tony meeting him outside of school, smiling at him and asking him if he had dreamed of him, because that was Tony’s idea of a good morning joke. Walking to class, maybe holding hands, Tony telling him all about his latest project, even if Steve was 100% not understanding a word the other was saying. The best thing was the idea of them going places after school, just the two of them, no more excuses needed to spend time alone with him. And just maybe going to the movies, and kissing instead of actually watching the movie? No, Tony would kill him if he made him miss parts of the movie… but they could still kiss during the break? Or after the movie? Yeah, they totally could. And maybe Tony would let him buy him dinner afterwards, they could get Italian and share a pizza from that fancy place Tony’s always going on about. Tony would be his, for real, not just his-friend, or his-classmate, he would be his-Tony. He could point at him during games and everyone would know he’s pointing at his boyfriend Tony fucking Stark. How awesome would that be? To show everyone that they were finally together and that there was no point in flirting with Tony because he actually liked Steve and Steve only? No more boys and girls asking Tony out, no more lunch breaks spent listening to Tony’s funny stories about his dates, no more Tony going out with everyone but Steve. Oh, but what a wonderful dream that was. Steve knew he had no real chance with Tony, and, most of all, he knew he didn’t have it in him to actually tell Tony how he felt, but it was nice to imagine it.

“I think you should talk to him before school ends” had suggested Bucky later that week, while they were all sitting together at lunch, but Steve wasn’t really listening. It was impossible to pay attention to the conversations going on at his table when he could clearly see Tony laughing at Stephen Strange’s jokes on the other side of the school canteen. And seriously, why did Tony still talk to that guy? Why did he prefer to spend his lunch break with his smart friends and not with his old friends? Steve wasn’t jealous, really, but it hurt him a little, that Tony was actually spending most of his last year with people he had just met and not with the old group, not with Steve. He couldn’t blame Tony for having other friends, because Steve knew way too well just how popular Tony was in school and outside of it, but it was still a little painful to see him so happy but so far away from him. To think that in less than two months school was going to be over, and with it every chance Steve had of spending time with the person he liked the most.

“What?” he asked, trying to focus on Bucky for the first time since lunch had started. He heard Clint chuckling on his right, but didn’t really pay too much attention to him, since he knew his friend was already having way too much fun with the whole ‘SteveTony’ situation, as he liked to call it.

“He said we think you should talk to Tony before school ends” explained Natasha, stealing one of Bucky’s fries and eating it a little absentmindedly.

“What?” was the only thing Steve managed to say, but Natasha’s unimpressed look made him continue, “I mean, no, I can’t, he doesn’t like me like that” and how sad was it to finally admit it out loud? That definitely destroyed all the hope Steve still had in him, but maybe it was for the better, he couldn’t just keep on falling for every smile Tony directed at him and actually believe one day he’d get to kiss that smile.

“You don’t know that” said Janet, and she sounded a lot more serious than Steve was expecting from her, she was the first to know just how easily Tony fell in and out of love for the people he dated. If he was really into Steve, he would have said something about it, right? Hell, they had been friends for almost four years and all Tony managed to tell Steve was how cute he would have been with Sharon Carter from Biology 1. And sure, Sharon was pretty and she was one of the best students in their Biology class, but why would Tony even say that? Steve didn’t understand it back then and, to be honest, he still didn’t really get what Tony wanted to say with that comment.

“You don’t think I would know if Tony liked me back?” he asked, now a little frustrated with his friends not understanding just how painful it was to be able to see Tony smile at someone else across the room, “I’ve been crushing on him for the past four years and he never, _never_ , showed any sign of liking me back” he added, looking at each of his friends, daring them to say he was wrong, to say that there was a possibility that Tony might actually like Steve, even if he had never shown it and was currently probably seeing someone else.

“It doesn’t matter if he likes you back” simply replied Natasha, eating another one of Bucky’s fries with some mayonnaise from Thor’s plate, “you have to let him know before you two part for college” she continued, and really, whenever Natasha said anything it always sounded like the smartest thing ever, and Steve hated her for that so much, but also loved being able to always ask for good advices from one of his best friends.

“He deserves to know” agreed Bucky, nodding along with his words and trying to prevent Natasha from taking another one of his fries, but giving up after she managed to get a handful while distracting him with a peck on the lips. Steve loved to see them being a cute couple, and he really thought they were one of the best couples he had ever seen. They would not just complete each other’s sentences, which really meant they always agreed on every important topic, but they would also steal glances every time they were in a room together, and they looked at each other like there was no one else around them. But, at the same time, and that was the part of their relationship Steve liked the most, they were not the kind of couple that makes you wanna throw up because of how sweet they are, on the contrary, Bucky and Natasha were the kind of couple that was together in the little things, that valued the little gestures more than the big public displays of affection. And maybe that was the reason why not everyone knew they were together in the first place, because you actually had to know Bucky before you could understand that he wouldn’t just let anyone steal his food and get away with it, or that Natasha got really annoyed when people tried to express her thoughts for her, but that she always smiled when she heard Bucky saying out loud exactly what she had been thinking. Steve loved them both, and was really happy for them, sure, but, at times, he couldn’t help but feel a little sad looking at them, because what they had, he wanted, but couldn’t really have, at least not with Tony. And wasn’t Tony all Steve could ever dream about?

“Why would I ruin our friendship like that?” he tried again, getting a sip of his water and trying not to look in Tony’s direction once again, because really, there wasn’t any point in hurting himself like that.

“Because college will ruin it anyway, so it’s worth a try!” came Carol’s first comment on the issue, and Steve almost screamed, because his friends were so useless, and he had just finished the last of his fries and Tony was still laughing at something Strange had said and they were sitting so fucking close to each other and why the fuck wasn’t Tony having lunch with his best fucking friends?

Steve didn’t even bother to reply, he simply stood up, told everyone he was a bit tired, and walked off, leaving the school canteen without waiting for everyone else to even say goodbye to him. And he really was tired, and the only thing he could think about on his way to his locker was just how awful it was that all his friends knew about his crush. Everything was so easy when he was simply pining in silence and everyone minded their fucking business. And sure, he had to admit his friends were great, and he knew they were just trying to help him, but the situation was already painful for him without them reminding him that in less than two months school would end and Steve wouldn’t be able to see Tony everyday.

“Hey there, big guy!” called a voice from behind Steve, and he turned just to see Tony walking in his direction with a big smile on his face. Steve hated just how much Tony’s smile could affect him, because now he was also smiling like an idiot, and slowing down in order to let Tony catch up with him.

“Hi, Tony” he greeted him, still wearing his big dumb smile, and he could hear his own heart beating embarrassingly faster in his chest with every step Tony took in his direction.

“Missed me at lunch?” the other boy teased him as they started walking next to each other, and Steve chuckled, almost laughing at himself for how true Tony’s words were.

“Oh, you weren’t there? I didn’t notice” he replied instead, grinning at Tony and hearing the boy’s beautiful laugh in his ears, feeling his heart melt a bit at the sound.

“Strange asked me out, you know” and really, did Tony have to punch Steve in the face just like that? Because it took all the strength in the world for Steve not to simply let his smile drop right after Tony’s words, and trying instead to pretend like he didn’t really care about that new information.

“He’s always had a thing for you, so it’s not really a surprise” he managed to say, stopping at his locker and opening it without even really thinking about it, too focused on staring directly at the floor to avoid meeting Tony’s eyes.

“Yeah, I know” he shrugged, leaning with his back on the lockers next to Steve’s and putting his hands in his pockets, looking way too much like someone who should be doing that in a movie, not in real life, where people as perfect as Tony Stark shouldn’t even exist to begin with.

“So you’re going out with him too?” Steve asked, trying to sound casual, while looking at his schedule to see what books he was supposed to bring to his next class.

“What do you mean ‘too’?” Tony’s question shocked Steve a little, because he really hadn’t thought about the implications hidden in that little word he had so stupidly added at the end of his sentence.

“Nothing” he quickly replied, turning to look at Tony, who, disturbingly enough, looked kinda hurt by Steve’s question, “I, uh− I just meant you already went out with that Victor guy and it looked like you liked him?” he tried to add, but, judging by the look on Tony’s face, he wasn’t really making anything less awkward.

“And what about it?” he snapped, now standing right in front of Steve, and he could hear just how angry Tony was by the tone of his voice, “Am I supposed to never date again and just marry Victor only because I’ve slept with him for less than a month?” he pointed a finger at Steve, making him take a small step back against the lockers.

“No, that’s not what I meant at all!” he hurried to reply, trying to create some space between their bodies now that they were mere inches away from each other, and that was really not helping Steve’s poor heart, already beating damn fast because of how much he was panicking, “I’m sorry” he added, and he really was, because the last thing he wanted was to make Tony feel bad for something that really wasn’t even a reason to blame him. It wasn’t Tony’s fault everyone wanted him. And it sure wasn’t Tony’s fault Steve wanted him. Hearing his words, Tony backed down a little, taking a couple of steps back and letting his finger down, now looking more sad than angry, if Steve could read his expression correctly, and he usually could.

“You don’t have to apologize” he sighed, passing a hand through his hair, and Steve noticed just how tired Tony looked, “and, by the way, what do you even care if I go out with Stephen, do you like him or something?” he added, now eyeing him suspiciously, because, of course, Tony would have never gone out with someone if he knew Steve liked them. It was ironic, really, that the only person Steve really wanted to go out with was the only one he would never actually have.

“No, of course not, I don’t even know him” he replied, finally taking his book and breathing loudly, because having Tony angry at him was the worst fucking experience and he never wanted to go through it ever again.

“Alright then, if you say so” he shrugged, not really looking too convinced, “gotta go, Stephen and I are skipping next period” he added then, grinning widely at Steve, who didn’t even have the time to realise what they other boy had said, before he added “see you around, big guy!”, and started running towards the main entrance of the school.

“Bye, Tony” he whispered to himself, still staring at the point where Tony had disappeared, trying not to think about Tony and Strange skipping class together, going who-knows-where to do who-knows-what. School was ending, and instead of trying to spend more time with Tony, Steve was only witnessing his best friend having the time of his life with anyone but him. And really, Steve knew it wasn’t Tony’s fault, he just wished they were still as close as they had been for the previous three years and a half, because he missed always having Tony around and being able to spend all his days hearing about his crazy stories and his latest projects. But maybe that was for the best, maybe Tony was doing it on purpose, because he knew just how hard it was going to be to part from all his friends once summer ended. Yeah, that was probably it, the boy was smart, smarter than anyone Steve knew, so it made sense that he was already thinking about the future, and who knew, maybe he was even doing it for Steve too, because he had found out about his little crush and didn’t want Steve to make things awkward between them. But, well, knowing, or at least thinking of knowing why Tony was doing that didn’t really change a thing, and Steve still missed him dearly, even though he was seeing him everyday right before school and, occasionally, during lunch break.

* * *

“So you’re okay with it?” Natasha had asked him a couple of weeks later, when it was clear Tony was now dating Strange, since they spent almost every minute together.

“He looks happy with him” was the only thing Steve could say, because it was the truth, sure, but also because he knew anything else would have sounded too selfish. He wanted Tony to be happy more than anything, and if that meant for him to be happy with someone else, Steve couldn’t really complain, he would have given anything to be the one making Tony happy, that was for sure, but he cared too much for Tony to really think about his own happiness.

“You can say you’re jealous, you know? It’s normal” added Bucky, who was sitting between him and Natasha at lunch, and everyone else at the table nodded in agreement.

“I’m not jealous, I’ve got used to seeing him with everyone else but me” but it came out a little too harsh to actually be considered the truth, so Steve simply sighed and put a handful of fries in his mouth, trying not to look in Tony’s direction once again. Tony had been avoiding their table at lunch for more than a week, and Steve wasn’t the only one upset about it, since everyone else knew those were their last weeks of school together, hell, probably even their last weeks spent in the same town.

“I still can’t believe he’s dating Strange” came Clint’s voice, and Steve didn’t even bother to turn to look at him, because, honestly, staring at his now empty plate was way better than having to face anyone else.

“He really does look happy, though” commented Janet after a couple of seconds, stealing a glance at Tony’s table, where he was probably kissing Strange or doing something just as disgusting.

“He would be even more happy with Steve, I just know it” stated Carol then, and Steve looked up to meet her eyes, now smiling a bit, for the first time since the beginning of the lunch break. Carol smiled back at him, because they had been friends for years, and he knew that she had been rooting for them since day one, even if nothing was ever going to actually happen between the two of them.

“I never thought Tony would be one for excessive public displays of affection, though” added Clint, and now everyone at their table turned to look in Tony’s direction, and Steve, who really didn’t want to do that, ended up following everyone else’s glare. And it was great, really, to not only see Tony laugh at whatever dumb shit Strange had said, but also have to witness the guy he loved lean in and kiss someone else, there, right in front of everyone’s eyes. But the worst part of it wasn’t really the kiss itself, no, because that wasn’t the first time Steve had seen Tony kiss someone else, hell, they had been to plenty of parties together, no, the worst part was the little smile on Tony’s lips after the kiss ended. Tony looked like kissing Stephen Strange truly made him happy, and Steve wanted to hate him for that, really, but he simply couldn’t, not when he looked so fucking happy doing something as simple as kissing his boyfriend during lunch.

“That’s not excessive, I saw people do worse” said Thor, talking for the first time since lunch had started, “but I also think you should tell him before school ends” he added, and he sounded so sure of it, that Steve thought he might actually be right, even if every part of him was screaming at him to just keep quiet forever and simply forget about his feelings for his best friend.

“Thank you, Thor!” exclaimed Carol, speaking like she was on stage, acting, and not eating lunch in the school’s canteen, “The voice of reason has spoken, my friends!” she added, making the rest of the table chuckle a little, except for Steve, of course, who was now too busy trying to steal glances at Tony’s table to actually focus on the conversations going on at his own.

* * *

Weeks passed, and the entire school was now buzzing with the anticipation of three whole months of freedom, three whole months to spend doing whatever the fuck they wanted with the people they loved the most, without having to think about the future, even if it was just for a bit. But Steve, who so ingenuously thought his high school years had been the best years of his life, and was now afraid of saying goodbye to them, yes Steve wasn’t so eager to leave school behind. His friends were already planning parties and trips for the summer to come, and, of course, he was more than happy to join them, but they had just been told by Tony that he wouldn’t make it to their annual camping trip, and that had felt like a punch, right in all of them’s faces, but, most of all, in Steve’s, since he had been the one starting that tradition almost four years before. He had tried to convince Tony, helped by everyone else, but Tony had argued that he had so little time left to spend in town, and he didn’t really want to waste a full week camping, since he actually loathed going camping. “He didn’t mean it” was the first thing Natasha had said, worried that Steve might take that a little to personally, “you know he’ll make up for it with a big surprise or something like that” had added Clint right after, but he looked as sad as Steve did, so it wasn’t really the best one to cheer everyone else up. But the truth was, and Steve didn’t even really understand why, the truth was he was okay with Tony not going, and he had known all along that he hated going camping, because they had met during a trip organised by the school on their first year, and Tony had complained for every minute of it, because there was nothing he actually enjoyed about going camping. And it was funny, because Steve loved camping more than anything, since he had grown up with his dad, who was almost as passionate about it as he was, so being assigned a tent with the only kid in his school who hated camping had been the most ironic moment of his entire life. Of course, as the days went by, Steve realised Tony wasn’t so bad, even if he was kind of a whiny kid, and the two of them became friends, so when later that year Steve suggested they went camping in the summer, everyone else had been excited, and Tony had simply laughed, to a joke that no one but them could really understand, and agreed to it.

“So..” started Tony one morning, meeting Steve at his locker as he had always used to do in the past, “I’m sorry for ditching you guys to our usual camping trip” he explained, not really looking sorry at all, but Steve wasn’t even really paying attention to it.

“It’s okay, Tony, I know how busy you are” he simply replied, taking out his books from the locker and then closing it, turning to face the other boy, “Clint is kinda bummed about it, though” he added, smiling a bit, because the last thing he wanted was for Tony to think he was the one ‘bummed about it’.

“Sure, he’s the one bummed about it, uh?” Tony chuckled, following Steve when he started walking towards his class, and grinning like he knew exactly what was going on inside Steve’s mind.

“Well” Steve started, rolling his eyes at Tony’s words, “I must admit, everyone’s kinda bummed about it, you’re breaking tradition” he explained, and he looked next to him to see Tony laughing again, right before putting one of his hands on Steve’s shoulder, squeezing it a bit.

“And what about you?” he asked, looking right into Steve’s eyes, and Steve felt a little like everything else around them had disappeared all of a sudden, leaving the two of them alone in the world, “Aren’t you a little bummed about it?” but he put so much emphasis on that words that Steve could feel he was just making fun of him.

“Not in the slightest” he quickly replied, trying so hard not to smile, but failing, ending up laughing like an idiot, with Tony following him right after. And that was it, that was the reason why he liked Tony so much, because it didn’t matter how bad things were, he could always count on him to make him smile. Tony had that something in his eyes that made it impossible to look away from them, and his laugh was so contagious that it was impossible to not laugh along, and his smile was so soft, his voice so caring, his touch so kind, that it was impossible to not fall in love with him. And that was the reason why Steve could never really get jealous whenever he saw someone flirting with Tony, or asking him out, or showing interest in him, because he understood it, and he knew way too well that it was impossible to look away when Tony was in front of you, because Tony simply stole everyone’s attention once he entered a room, he was charming like that, and Steve had learned to love that aspect of Tony too.

“You’re cute when you try to deny it, Rogers” he commented playfully, stopping right outside of Steve’s classroom, “See you at lunch?” he asked then, making it sound like the most obvious question, even if the truth was that Tony had been avoiding their table at lunch for more than a month, and school was ending in less than two weeks.

“Sure” Steve simply replied, smiling fondly at Tony, now happy just because Tony was actually going to sit with him at lunch, just like he had used to, and who knew, maybe things were going to go back to normal, even if it was just for the last two weeks of school.

* * *

That year, as it turned out, summer wasn’t going to be very kind to Steve Rogers, but the boy was done expecting good things to simply happen to him, so he spent the first weeks of his summer holidays trying to have fun with his friends, and not think about how miserable he actually felt. Their camping trip had been nice, he had to admit that, and sure, they had all missed Tony very much, but being busy with all their camping related tasks had helped them not think about it too much. And, at the end of the day, what difference did it really make if Tony was there or if he wasn’t? They still had the rest of the summer to party with him, to be together as kids for the last time, to, in the end, say goodbye and start their new lives. Or, at least, that was what Steve thought, and he had really tried to stay positive and look at the glass as half full, but Tony seemed to prefer going out with the boys from his Science club, and he hardly ever replied to any of their texts, so by the end of June, Steve could really only see the glass as half empty, despite his best efforts.

“Steve, are you listening?” Natasha asked him one day, while the two of them were sitting on Steve’s porch, drinking homemade lemonade and trying not to melt because of the summer’s heat.

“No, sorry” he admitted, shaking his head a little and turning to face her, “what were you saying?” he asked her, even if he was still thinking of Tony, something that had started happening a lot more after the end of the school year.

“I wanted to let you know that Tony texted me” she repeated, and, at the mention of the other boy, Steve really started to pay attention to her, “and he said, and I quote, that he ‘could never miss Steve’s party’, and added that he already bought your gift” she told him, and Steve’s heart almost skipped a beat, because Tony was really going to be at his birthday party. And sure, if anyone had told him, just a couple of months before, that he was going to doubt that Tony would make it to his birthday party, Steve would have told them that they were crazy, that Tony was his best friend and that celebrating both the Fourth of July and his birthday was a tradition, and something none of his friends would ever miss. But, having seen how easily traditions could be broken, Steve had spent the last week of June convincing himself that Tony would eventually come up with an excuse to not attend Steve’s party, and, even if that mere thought had pained him like nothing else had ever done in his life, Steve believed he’d be able to fake a smile and tell his best friend that it was okay, and that he knew how busy he was, because it was the truth, Tony was always busy, just never too busy for Steve, at least not before.

“Yeah” Steve simply said, trying to keep his cool and taking a sip of his lemonade, “I knew he’d come” he added, sounding a lot more confident than he was actually feeling, but Natasha didn’t need to know that.

“Right” she commented, smiling at him knowingly, and Steve realised she knew exactly what Steve had feared, but she was kind enough to not bring it up, “so I guess it’s all settled for Thursday” she continued, and Steve nodded along with her words, taking another sip of his lemonade, and, for the first time since school had ended, he felt happy, like truly happy. He didn’t really know why he was feeling that way, because nothing had really changed, but simply knowing that in just a couple of days his whole group of friends would be reunited for his birthday made his heart melt a bit, and he couldn’t help the little smile that curved his lips in that moment. Sure, Tony coming to his party did not mean that anything was going to change between them, because Steve had no intention of finally confessing his feelings to his best friend, but being able to spend some time with his friends was enough, not everything he wanted, but all he needed.

* * *

The celebrations for the Fourth of July and Steve’s birthday had been fun, Steve couldn’t really deny that, and the fact that Tony had spent all night with them, drinking and chatting, laughing at Steve’s jokes and telling everyone about his break-up with Strange, well, that had been amazing. Steve had missed having Tony around, and, of course, he knew that everyone else had missed him too, but Steve thought, deep down, that feeling what he felt for Tony meant also missing him the most when he wasn’t with him. “I wish I’d dumped Strange sooner” Tony had confessed to him at some point of the night, when it was only the two of them still sitting at the table, now feeling a little tipsy after dinner, “and I’m sorry I didn’t hang out with you guys as much as we used to do” he had continued, and Steve could see that he was truly sorry for it. “It’s okay, Tony” he had reassured him, putting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it lightly, “I know you’re busy” he added then, hearing the pain in his own words, because it didn’t matter how much Steve wanted to believe it was okay, the truth was that it wasn’t, that Steve wasn’t okay, and that it was Tony’s fault. “It’s just that I had never had a relationship that long” Tony had said after being quiet for a couple of minutes, and he was looking at the beer in his hand like he couldn’t really see it, “and Stephen is really smart, so it was easy being around him” and sure, Steve knew he wasn’t the brightest of Tony’s friends, but still, hearing that Tony had dated Strange for that long simply because everyone else was too dumb had been like a bucket of cold water right in the face. “Cool” Steve had simply replied, not feeling like adding anything else, mostly because he was afraid he’d sound too hurt or, even worse, too jealous. “Sorry, I know you don’t really care about this stuff” Tony had joked, turning his head up to look into Steve’s eyes, and it seemed like he was looking for something, maybe expecting Steve to say something on the matter, but Steve didn’t, so Tony smiled at him, a little too sadly to actually pass as a real smile, and got up to go talk with the others, leaving Steve alone at the table, with a lonely tear running down his cheek.

“Are you ready?” asked him Thor later, looking way more excited than anyone else at that party, but they all nodded anyway, because yes, they were ready for fireworks, and Thor smiled at them widely, because he loved Fourth of July’s fireworks, and they all went to sit by the porch of Steve’s house, waiting for them to start. Steve, who was sitting on the grass with another beer in his hand, looked around, thinking about how that could have been the last time they were all going to be sitting there together, celebrating his birthday like that, and he couldn’t help but smile, feeling nostalgic all of a sudden, and trying to save that image in his mind forever. He looked at Natasha, who was sitting between Bucky’s spread legs, and saw that the two of them were whispering to each other’s ear, same thing they had been doing for half of the evening, always smiling whenever one of them said something that satisfied the other. He focused on Carol and Thor, sitting next to each other with their shoulders almost touching, and they were looking at the sky with smiles curving their lips, waiting for the fireworks with such excitement that it reminded Steve of how much he used to love the fireworks when he was just a kid. Janet and Clint were sitting right next to Thor and Carol, but Janet was looking at something Clint was showing her on his phone, and the two of them bursted out laughing after a couple of seconds, with Janet putting a hand on Clint’s shoulder to steady herself from all the laughter. And Tony, well, Tony was sitting next to Steve on the grass, and he noticed his friend looking sadly at the pretty picture that their friends presented, all sitting happily by the porch, so he leaned a bit closer to Steve, putting his own hand over one of Steve’s and squeezing it lightly. “Are you okay?” he asked him, whispering, so that the others couldn’t hear him, and Steve turned his head slightly to look at him, noticing how close they were and realising that was probably the closest they had been in months. “Yes” he replied, smiling at his best friend, “just wishing we could stay like this forever” he added, not really sure wether he meant everyone or just the two of them. “You can’t be scared of the future forever” Tony told him, leaning a bit closer, and Steve looked at Tony’s hand on his own, and moved his thumb so that he was now drawing little circles on the other boy’s warm hand. “I’m not scared of the future, Tony” he said, still looking at their hands, “I just don’t like how fast the present becomes the past” he continued, and when he turned his head up to look into Tony’s eyes, he realised they were sitting mere inches apart from each other, and his heart started beating faster in his chest. Tony had smiled at him then, moving so that he could lean his head against Steve’s shoulder, who welcomed the warm feeling, but also kinda missed having Tony’s lips that close to his own. “I know, Steve” he had told him, and Steve had heard him sighing, “I know” he had added after a while, but his voice was a little more than a whisper, so Steve wasn’t sure if he had actually said anything else. When the fireworks had finally started, they had all turned their heads to the sky, enjoying their beautiful colours and shapes, and, when the fireworks had ended, they had all made a toast to Steve, wishing him the happiest of birthdays. And it had been a happy birthday, Steve couldn’t deny that, he just couldn’t help but feel a little nostalgic, even if he perfectly knew that feeling nostalgic for something that had not even ended was dumb. The thing was that Steve could feel that, no matter what they all said, or the promises that they made, that was going to be a Last, and most of the times, when something happens for the last time, people can’t really know that until it’s completely gone, but Steve felt it, that summer night, while his friends were signing ‘Happy Birthday’ to him, and his heart sank a little, because he loved his friends, and he realised that leaving them behind and starting a new life meant growing up, and no one cared if he wasn’t ready, he was going to grow up anyway, and leave that happy life in the past. So yes, Steve was happy, he had laughed and thanked his friends, hugging them tight and pretending that was a birthday like any other, but the truth was that he knew that was going to be their Last summer together, the Last birthday he’d celebrate with them, the Last time he could look at his friends and think that everything was okay, that they were young and had all their lives ahead of them. And, inevitably, Steve had realised that growing up also meant losing Tony, and that it didn’t matter if his friend was now looking at him with a big smile and his beer held up in the air to toast to him, Steve knew nothing about that night was going to last forever, except, maybe, his memory of it, that was going to fade during the years, but never truly disappear.

* * *

The rest of the summer, not to anyone’s surprise, flew by, and Steve thought that, even if it hadn’t started off in the best of ways, with Tony avoiding them and making up excuses to not hang out with them, his summer could have still been worse. So, when August was about to end, and everyone was trying to prepare for college, all Steve could really think was how he never actually got the chance to tell Tony how he felt about him. “You know, it’s never too late for that” Natasha had told him just a couple of days into the last week of August, while the two of them were driving to Carol’s house to meet up with the others, “you could tell him today” she had then suggested, but Steve knew he couldn’t do it with all their friends in the other room, so he had decided to wait, hoping a better occasion would come up, and thinking he still had a couple of weeks to figure it out. Of course, that was until Tony informed them that he was actually leaving on the first of September, because MIT apparently started their courses earlier, so Steve had to panic and come up with a plan in less than a week. “We’re throwing Tony a goodbye-party” Carol had told Steve, even if they were all leaving in less than a month, so it didn’t really matter whose goodbye-party that actually was, “Are you free tomorrow night?” Clint had added, staring at him with big wide eyes, waiting for his obvious answer. And so Steve had agreed to go to Tony’s goodbye-party, even if he wasn’t ready, not in the slightest, and he knew he was probably just going to fuck everything up. Natasha and Bucky, always the perfect friends, had tried to reassure him, telling him that it was the right thing to do, and that Tony deserved to know, and that, in any case, Tony would leave soon, so it didn’t really matter if it went well or like hell. And the party, even if it had been organised in less than two days, turned out to be really cool, with all their friends from school coming to say goodbye to Tony and enjoy one last good party before the responsibilities that college brought actually started. Steve had spent almost all night by Tony’s side, and, even when other guests would come by to chat for a little with Tony, Steve never felt unwelcome, because Tony would always turn to him and smile at him, sometimes even winking, keeping his best friend as close as possible for the last time. “Looks like Tony doesn’t want to lose you in the crowd” joked Bucky at some point of the night, stopping by Steve’s side and offering him a beer, that Steve simply took, still looking absentmindedly at Tony, who was talking to a girl from their English class. “I’m not gonna tell him anything” Steve confessed, turning to look at Bucky with guilt in his eyes, “I can’t do that to him” he added, trying to keep his voice low so that Tony wouldn’t hear him, “I can’t tell him I’ve been in love with him for the past four years and never acted on it” and in that moment, probably because he saw it in his eyes, Bucky simply nodded, and told him that it was okay, that he didn’t have to talk to Tony about his feelings if he didn’t want to. So Steve hugged him, surprising the other boy a little, and then thanked him, really, not only because he understood, but because he had been to him the best friend he could have ever asked for, so he was grateful, truly. “Stop missing things before they end” Bucky told him, almost ordered him, and then, after squeezing his shoulder lightly with his free hand, he smiled at Steve, and went back into the crowd, probably to find Natasha. After that, Tony had politely ended the conversation with that girl, who left and quickly disappeared in the crowd, and then he had turned to smile again at Steve, who couldn’t help but smile back, thinking of how lucky he was to have Tony still in his life. “I can’t believe I’m leaving in two days” Tony told him, sounding truly excited, “I’m going to Massachusetts, can you fucking believe it, Steve?” he asked him, and Steve shook his head, because no, he couldn’t really believe how far from him Tony was going. “It’s insane” the other boy continued, now looking at the crowd dancing to the loud music, while Steve kept looking at him. “Yes, it’s insane” he commented, and Tony turned again, staring right into Steve’s eyes, maybe because he had felt the sadness in Steve’s tone, or maybe simply because Steve’s eyes were clearly looking for Tony’s own. The two of them kept looking into each other’s eyes for a couple of seconds more, until Tony, still smiling widely, broke that contact to look at his shoes, and Steve could swear the other boy was slightly blushing, not really visible if you weren’t as close as he was to Tony, but still undeniably there. Steve smiled a little, seeing Tony react that way, and, for the first time in four years, he thought that maybe, _maybe_ , Tony actually felt something for him too, and that, had he not been such a coward, there was a chance they could have actually been together. Not that it actually still mattered, Steve knew that, because Tony was leaving in two fucking days, and there was nothing he could say to make him stay a little longer, so maybe it was better to say nothing at all, because having a little was better than having nothing. And so the party continued, more people came by to say goodbye to Tony, and, when the party eventually died out, and the only people left were their closest friends, Steve was still by Tony’s side, trying to figure out a way to freeze time and never have to actually say goodbye to the guy he had been in love with for four fucking years. Carol and Janet were the first ones to leave, promising Clint they’d come back the day after to help him clean up the place, and they both hugged Tony, making him promise to reply to their texts every once in a while, and, after the boy agreed to it, they left, clearly holding back the tears. Then it was Bucky and Natasha’s turn, and the two of them hugged Tony together, making him cry out for help, claiming he couldn’t breathe, and then, while the three of them all laughed about it, Steve heard Tony whisper a quick “I love you, guys” to them, softly, just before they hugged him again, probably telling him they loved him too. When Thor hugged Tony, Steve could see he was holding back the tears, and he couldn’t help but smile, thinking back to all the times he had been jealous of the way Thor acted around Tony, while the truth was that everyone showed affection in different ways, so it wasn’t Thor’s fault if Steve wasn’t used to people acting that way towards Tony. In the end, after Tony had also been hugged and kissed loudly on the cheek by Clint, who, instead of tearing up, had made a joke about how thanks to Tony he had to spend all night cleaning his backyard, Tony had finally turned to Steve, who was waiting for him in a corner of Clint’s backyard.

“Wanna walk me home?” Tony asked him, since he didn’t live far from Clint, and Steve didn’t live far from Tony, so they could both easily walk home.

“Sure” he replied, smiling at the other boy and starting to walk by his side, something he was used to do, at that point. They walked in silence for a while, the only sound being the one their shoes made when touching the ground, and Steve’s heart started beating a little faster every time their shoulders touched, because that meant Tony was leaning a bit closer to him.

When Steve noticed that they were about to arrive at Tony’s house, he impulsively stopped walking, breathing heavily while staring at the ground, and the only thing he could think about was Tony, and how wonderful of a person he was, and just how much he meant to him, and how he could not let him leave before he told him how he truly felt. So he stopped walking, yes, and, a few moments later, Tony also stopped, turning back to look at Steve with a curious glare, because he was probably wondering why Steve had stopped there, since he knew very well where Tony lived.

“Is everything alright?” Tony asked, getting a little closer to Steve, and Steve finally stopped looking at the ground and brought his head up, facing Tony. His heart was beating faster than ever, his palms were sweating a little, and his breathing was still a bit heavy, even if he had tried to keep it under control for the past minute or so.

“There’s something I want to, er− I mean, there’s something I’ve always wanted to..” he tried, but, in that moment, words seemed something too far away to actually be reached, so Steve breathed once more, loudly, and then leaned closer to Tony, leaving no distance between their bodies, and finally, fucking finally _,_ making their lips meet. It wasn’t a perfect kiss, Steve knew it, and it probably wasn’t even the perfect way to make Tony understand how he felt, but in that moment, while his lips were on Tony’s, and the other boy was starting to kiss him back, leaving the surprise behind, Steve thought there was no other way he would have wanted their first kiss to be. His hands quickly found Tony’s hips, and he could feel Tony relaxing into his touch, leaning even closer to Steve as they shared their first, messy kiss. When Tony let out a soft moan, his lips parted slightly against Steve’s own, and Steve’s tongue finally met Tony’s, tasting what the other boy felt like for the first time, and for a moment, Steve hated himself, he hated himself so much because he couldn’t help but wonder what it could have been, had he only found the courage to do that sooner. He wondered if he and Tony could have actually dated, just like he had dreamt about so many times, and he asked himself if, maybe, Tony’s longest relationship would have been with him, and not with some random guy from his Science club. After a couple more seconds, Steve felt he was quickly running out of breath, but couldn’t imagine ever letting go of Tony, not after wanting him for so long, not after getting that kiss he had dreamed about so much. Because kissing Tony was like finding a genie inside a lamp and asking it for happiness as the first wish, and there was nothing Steve had ever experienced in his life that had made him feel that way. In that moment, with his eyes closed and his lips on Tony’s, Steve thought he was invincible, he thought every time he had been hurt in the past, every little thing that had caused him pain, he thought they had all been leading to that moment, that exact moment, when past and present were colliding, when the future didn’t seem so scary and Steve was actually, without a doubt, complete.

Tony broke from the kiss first, looking down and passing his tongue quickly on his now red lips, and Steve still couldn’t believe he had just kissed him, he couldn’t believe he had finally got to taste Tony’s lips. And he knew he was ready to do it again, and again, and fucking again, until Tony would let him, until he had air in his lungs, until he knew Tony’s lips by heart, until his lips tasted like Tony’s.

“Steve..” whispered Tony, and he took a step back, so that Steve’s hands couldn’t reach him anymore, “why?” he simply asked, and when he turned his head up to face Steve, his eyes were full of tears, and it looked like it was costing him all he had not to just break there right in front of Steve.

“Why? What do you mean?” he quickly asked, trying to take a step in his direction, but seeing how Tony almost flinched back, “Tony, are you okay?” he kept looking into the other boy’s eyes, trying to find in them the answers to his questions.

“I’m leaving for Massachusetts in two days, Steve” was the only thing Tony said, and his voice was shaking, and Steve had never heard him sound so hurt, almost like talking to Steve was the most painful thing he’d ever done.

“I know, but..” he started, not really sure of what he was going to say, “I’ve liked you since we first met, I couldn’t say goodbye before telling you how I felt” he tried to explain, his hands now itching to move forward and touch Tony again, hug him tight and tell him everything was going to be alright, that they had nothing to worry about.

“Steve, we met four years ago” he said, taking a shaky breath and focusing again on Steve, looking at him like he was some special creature that needed to be treated in a kind and sweet way. Steve hated to see Tony like that, and hated his friends for convincing him that telling Tony everything was a good idea, but, most of all, he hated himself, for not keeping his mouth shut and ruining Tony’s last days before university started.

“Yes, I know” he dumbly replied, still looking right into Tony’s eyes, trying to smile a little, hoping the other boy would eventually stop looking so fucking sad.

“Why did you have to tell me now?” Tony asked him, sounding so tired and hurt that Steve wanted to punch himself, because really, why did he always have to ruin everything? “Couldn’t you just keep it to yourself for a couple more days?” he added, and wow, that really hurt, that felt like someone was stabbing Steve directly in the heart, and it was the worst possible sensation.

“Tony, I only− I’m really sorry” was all he could say, because now it was him who was fighting for his tears not to fall, because it was dumb of him to cry right now. He had been pining over Tony for four fucking years, and being rejected had always been the obvious conclusion, but actually hearing Tony say those words, well, that was fucking worse.

“Yeah, me too” Tony told him, and with that he turned around and started walking towards his house, that was now pretty close, since Steve had conveniently chose to stop right around the corner. He was tempted to stop him, but he was more afraid of Tony’s reaction if he had only tried to touch him again, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to face another look at Tony’s hurt eyes without breaking. So Steve sighed, hating himself like he had never done before, and, when he felt the first tear fall down his cheek, he let all the others come down, sobbing loudly in the middle of the road, with the moon as his only companion.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!!  
> pls leave a comment and kudos and whatever  
> bye!!


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